I Won't Give Up

I have been "sitting" with the findings/results from my surgery for a little over a week now. I was upset at first, since I didn't expect to hear that my ovaries were fibrous and that they don't look poly cystic since that has been my diagnosis for years. It was heartbreaking to hear the doctor say she had never seen this type of ovary before. It's not that she hasn't seen fibrous ovaries, because she has,  it's that they usually have tumors as well, which I don't, so that is a positive for me. And of course I wish she could tell me if she thinks I can get pregnant or not with these darn ovaries of mine, but she couldn't and I have accepted that. My sister, Tammy helped me with that. At first I didn't want to talk to my sisters because they always have questions (understandably) and I didn't want to answer or have to think to come up with an answer. I was mentally drained. Of course, after I talked to Tammy I wished I'd have talked to her sooner. She helped me see the positive things from my visit to the doctor. The biggest thing was that there is still hope. If there wasn't the doctor would have walked in and said I'm sorry, there is nothing else I can do for you. So, thanks Tammy for helping me see that and more.

I suffer from an anxiety/panic disorder. It started in my mid twenties. It wasn't that bad in the beginning but it has gotten worse over the years. I do have a few techniques that help and one of them is music. I have loved music since I was a kid. It has always had an impact on my life. So this brings me to the song "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. It has helped me through these last couple of months. I listen to it a lot. Not only is it just a soothing sound but the words make sense and help me. I listened to it off and on during our road trip to Peoria, the morning of the surgery after being prepped but waiting to be transported to the operating room and I even listened to it all drugged up the night of my surgery. Before John left that first night, he positioned everything for me where I could reach it and the first thing I thought was I am NOT moving for anything! A while later the song came to mind and I hit the play button. I will continue to listen to it, and for your listening pleasure I have inserted the lyric video just below.

Post Op Follow Up

I had my 2 week post op follow up with Dr. S today. Some good news and some that I don't really know how to process, mainly because I didn't get much direction from Dr. S on it.

1.) The polyp from my uterus was benign! Great news!

2.) I have a bacterial infection in my uterus that is causing inflammation. Boo! 21 days of antibiotics should clear that up. Dr. S also recommends I start the anti-inflammatory diet as well.

3.) This one is the one that upsets me the most. I have been told most of my adult life that I have PCOS. Dr. S tells me today that although "clinically" I have a diagnosis of PCOS, when she did the wedge resection she sent the part of my ovaries that she removed to the pathologist. The report shows that my ovaries don't look poly cystic. They are fibrous (dense) and don't have follicles. Well, that didn't sound good to me and then the doc hits me with she's never seen this before. That really didn't sound good. When I asked if she felt I could get pregnant she couldn't give me an answer. Not the news I was expecting at all.

My next steps are to chart for the next 4 weeks and see what my body does on its own and then we'll go from there.

1 Week Out *updated with a note about getting out of bed for the first time after surgery*

Wow! I have never experienced pain like that in my life before. My surgery was last Monday the 23rd and today the 31st I am really noticing a difference for the better pain wise. I got home on Wednesday and quickly realized I was not going to be able to handle being home alone so I did the only thing I could, I called my Mom and she came Thursday since John was returning to work on Friday morning. She is an angel from above. 70 years old and still "Mothering" her baby. I feel horrible that I had to rely on her but I honestly had no choice and according to her, she wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

Some people might call me crazy because I also had house guests come to stay with me on Sunday. My brother and his 3 daughters came from Ohio. My Mom needed some repairs done at her house and it was good timing for him to come take care of them for her. I told him they could stay with me. Just as long as he understood I was completely out of commission. John truly thought I was crazy, but it didn't seem like a problem to me. And, let me tell you, I was right. No problem! When they arrived Sunday we decided to throw a little birthday party for my niece. It was her 8th birthday. This resulted in a house full of my siblings and nieces and nephews. What I can say was it was the first day since surgery that I was in a good mood. My brothers crack me up, and they didn't fail in that department. I had to remind them that it was actually painful to laugh, but somehow that really didn't matter. Each day since has been an improvement and having my nieces and my Mom here has helped the days pass by a little faster and a little better. I'll probably be sad on Thursday when David and the girls head back to Ohio. My Mom is going home that day as well. :(

I have my follow up scheduled for Tuesday, August 7. I am eager to talk with Dr. Stalling with a clear mind and see what the next steps will be. I'm a little bummed that John may not be able to make it to the appointment due to work but it'll be ok.

I've enclosed a picture of pretty flowers from my Aunt Sue. The were so vibrant but when I took the picture with my phone it wasn't showing it so I used instagram to touch up the picture and make it look like what I get to look at all day long. :)

Oh and one note about the first time I had to get out of bed after my surgery. The nurse was trying to prepare me for what I had to do and says to me "just imagine what it would be like if you had a baby to take care of while being in all this pain". If these were words of encouragement, it didn't help. I thought to myself "I'd give anything to have a baby to take care of while in this pain. At least I'd have the "reason" for all that pain to hold in my arms". Other than that, I did not encounter too much heartache from being in the maternity ward. It's bittersweet to see all the photographs of babies on the walls while I took my "walks". They are so cute but if course I wish I had my own cutie!

Surgery Update

I had surgery my surgery on Monday. It took about 5hrs which was longer than we thought. I didn't do well with pain control in the recovery room. It took about three hours to get me to a point where they could take me to my room. I stayed 2 nights and Dr. Stalling released me Wednesday afternoon. The recovery is far worse than I expected it to be. We got home around 5:30 and I settled in and now I'm doing my best to recover. Unfortunately I have a horrible itchy red rash all over my torso adding to my discomfort. Although, I would say the surgery was a success. My colon was adhered to both fallopian tubes and part of my uterus, which she successfully detached. Both tubes are open and she did have to do the wedge resection. She also found a micro polyp inside my uterus which is being sent off to pathology. I will get more information at my 2 week follow up. I am under the influence of pain meds so I hope this all makes sense. I'll write more when I feel better.

Nieces and Nephews

It's late and I can't sleep. I am in Ohio visiting my family! It has been a wonderful trip so far. My brother and his awesome wife have 4 beautiful children. I just sit back and watch them in amazement. They are so smart, funny, creative, full of life and full of love. The kids were so excited that we (I bring my mom and aunt every year to visit) were coming. The 3 oldest (all girls) cleaned the house and prepared for our arrival all day long on Thursday. We initially were supposed to be in around 2:00pm but we got off to a very late start and did not arrive until 9:00pm. I'm sure that must have been an eternity to them. Each one of the girls made a card for each of us. They were very thoughtful and they tailored them to the person it was for. I happen to love butterflies so each card I received had their artistic take on what a butterfly looks like along with a note inside. My Mom always calls them her little angels so each card she received had an angel on it along with a special note for her. My nephew did not partake in the card making, however he certainly didn't mind passing out hugs and smooches! I call him my little love bug. He is the most agreeable child I have ever met. I get such a kick out of him. I am blessed to have these little stinks in my life! I only wish we saw each other more! I absolutely cherish the time I spend with them and always will.

During this trip I have been doing a lot of thinking about my upcoming surgery and hoping all goes the way I want it to go, and while doing this a memory came to mind of when I found out my sister in law was pregnant with their 4th child. It is not a nice memory for me though. I wish it was, but it's not! In general that year had been tough for me. I will fill you in on the events leading up to finding out about the 4th child. In November my "baby" brother and his girlfriend announced they were pregnant (his first child and her second child) and for some reason it hit me hard. I could not stop myself from crying from the moment I found out until the following day. I had been wanting a child since the day I got married and it wasn't happening for us (we had been married for 5 years at this point). I eventually got over the sting from this news and went on to being happy for them. I hosted their baby shower the following April. My Ohio family came to the shower, which was a great surprise. Baby Taylor was born in May. I fell in love instantly with that little girl! I, of course, wish I had not taken the news so hard. She is a blessing and I can honestly say she has changed my life! Now fast forward to labor day weekend, the same year. My Ohio family was in town. My Mom's house was normally the gathering house for the picnics so I arrived ready to have a great time and enjoy my three beautiful nieces that I rarely see. My older brother is really into the element of surprise. He loves to see peoples faces when they find out special news. So, I'm chilling, having a nice time chatting with family in the kitchen and then it happens. Tonya, who had been sitting this whole time, stands up with a baby bump and my reaction, which I am ASHAMED of was: I thought you were done!!  That is what they had led me to believe anyhow. I went out and sat on the front step and cried my eyes out. Thinking to myself, why didn't my Mom just tell me so I wouldn't be hit so hard by it? At that time I thought she should have understood that I was not doing so good when it came to pregnancy announcements from my siblings. It knocked the wind out of my sails. It was hard in that moment but I don't really blame my Mom, I get that she doesn't get what it's like to be infertile.

Those are the only announcements that I had horrible reactions to. My sister told me she was pregnant over the phone, she was living out of state at the time. I was excited for her. She blessed me with the cutest, sweetest little nephew a girl could have. I even got to be in the room for his grand entrance into the world. Talk about amazing events. I didn't actually see him until he was a little cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket due to the fact that he was a c-section baby, but it was still amazing!

Don't get me wrong, I feel the sting every time I hear about a pregnancy or a baby being born but it usually goes away pretty fast. I try to stay positive. Any baby being brought into this world is a blessing.

What If?

From time to time John will be writing posts as well and this is his first one:

I have to admit, I'm nervous.
As the days draw closer and closer to surgery day for Pam, I find myself thinking more and more about her surgery.  And with each passing day, the "what ifs" become more frequent and complex.

What if the car breaks down on the way to Peoria?

What if the hotel we're staying in the night before isn't a relaxing place to sleep before a major operation?

What if we're late for the pre-op appointment the day of the surgery? Is the surgery postponed?

What if there are more issues than initially anticipated once the surgeon is doing her thing?

What if the doctors determine a hysterectomy has to be performed? Instead of helping us get pregnant, the complete reverse happens.

What if Pam has complications from her surgery?

What if her recovery doesn't go as planned?

What if this surgery doesn't help?

What if?

These are just a few of the thoughts I've had in the past few weeks, and there will no doubt be more to come. What I do know is I'm nervous, and no doubt will continue to feel this way through the surgery and beyond. I'm just hoping that all goes as planned, and if it doesn't go the way Pam and I have planned, I can only hope that the plans someone has planned for us are for a good life, with other options for children still a possibility.

Tracking and Prepping

Hmm, am I suppose to warn you if a post is going to be about bodily functions or should you expect it since this is a blog about fertility or the lack of. I guess I'll warn you this time: this post will be making mention of cervical mucus and poop! :) Enjoy!

I am in to my second week of tracking using the Creighton Model. It is not as daunting as I thought it was going to be. I met with the teacher and she explained the method very clearly, no question was left unanswered. Did you know that it makes a difference as to if you are scruncher or folder of toilet paper? lol When she asked me that question, I was taken back by it. I mean, who cares how I handle my toilet paper?! But it does make a difference (for tracking purposes) and lets just say I passed the test. No changes are needed in that department. I think I will know more about my the inner workings of my body than I have ever before. It is neat how something as simple as cervical mucus can tell you if your body is "working" properly or not and if you are fertile or not. Of course, I know I have a lot more to learn. I have been taking note of my mucus mentally throughout the day and every evening before I go to sleep I get to place a sticker on a chart and code the type of discharge for the day. Who knew as an adult I still be playing with stickers?! They are color coded: red, green, white with a baby on it and green with a baby on it. I'll be honest, I think the ones with the baby on them are creepy in a way that I have a feeling that I'll be looking at a chart with baby stickers on it but will most likely not get pregnant right away. So, who wants to look at that? The point is that they represent "fertile" days which is dictated by the type of mucus you had that day. I get it, I just think it is hard when you are infertile.

That covers the cervical mucus portion of the post, now on to the poop part! :)

I received the pre-op instructions for my surgery and apparently I will need to be "cleaned" out the night before. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. I have had the unfortunate task of drinking colonoscopy prep twice so far in my life and I'm thinking that is by far worse than an enema. Right? At least with an enema I don't have to drink a really nasty liquid. But I will have to squirt a liquid saline in an area of my body that I have always considered an exit not an entrance. Part of my uneasiness about it is being that I will be 3 hours from home (I'll have to be in Peoria the night before the surgery) which means I will be in a strange hotel room doing something I have never done before. (this sounds like a bad movie) I don't know what to expect other than the obvious. Bottom line is, I think I would be more comfortable doing this in the privacy of my own home. Oh well, it is something that has to be done, so I will do it. I just feel bad for John, maybe I'll send him out to see the sights of Peoria for a while. ;)

That wasn't so bad to read, was it? :)

For The Record

Over the last few days I have received a few opinions from people about the wanting of a child and being "old" and married for 10 years.

Let me just set the record straight so we are all on the same page.

To those of you that have suggested that I look for a child on craigslist - you're a moron. And yes, I was told this by someone I know, granted I don't know them that well, but nonetheless I know them. Tell you what, the next time I'm out shopping at Wal-Mart, I'll stop by the kids department and see if they're having a clearance, ya know maybe a 2 for 1 special. Craigslist is just so impersonal, at least at Wal-Mart I can toss the baby in the cart and think about if I want that particular one while I continue to shop. I mean, seriously, are people really that stupid?

Newsflash: WE ARE AWARE THAT OUR LIVES WILL CHANGE! We don't need to hear this from others. Stop telling us that our lifestyle, which is soooo lavish to begin with, is going to change. As much as John wants to trade in the 2002 Corolla with no hub caps and 176,000 miles for that Corvette he's always wanted, he knows he can't do it. As much as I want to go to Bora Bora and stay for a month or two, I realize I can't do this. Stop telling us things are going to change, we know that!

This may come as a SHOCK to some of you, but John is not really as uptight as he may come across. He doesn't fly off the handle as much as he used to about cleanliness. Maybe his self diagnosed O.C.D. is slipping. He won't give a flying **** if his house is a mess when it comes to having his child as part of our lives.

Are we clear now? If not, let me sum it up for you - John and I want nothing more than to have a house full of children taking up our lives and making messes! 

Glad that's off my chest...

Written with love by both John and I

Temper Tantrums Work

It seems that my temper tantrum that I threw in my last post was heard. ;)

I got a call from the lovely scheduler at Dr. Stallings office and she did the pre-cert this morning (because I politely explained that I was a bit anxious about not knowing) and the ovarian wedge resection is approved. Yay!!

To anyone who has looked this surgery up I'm sure you are seeing that drs don't think it should be done anymore because in the 60's clomid came out and they believe that is the better choice. They also say that surgery causes scar tissue and adhesions, however what they don't show is the research that Dr. Hilgers of the Pope Paul VI Institute has done. And that it's more successful than clomid, and can be preformed with techniques to minimize scar tissue and adhesions. I was a bit unsure but after meeting with Dr. Stalling and researching it, John and I are all in!

Now I just have to finish these last pesky hours of my externship for school and try to get through the next 6 1/2 weeks not worrying about having surgery. Eeek!

July 23rd

I heard back from the surgery scheduler this morning. She called me yesterday to find out which hospital was in my insurance network, of course it is not the one they prefer but my doctor is on staff there so it worked out. My laparoscopy and selective hsg is scheduled for July 23rd. I'll have to go in for a sonogram at 8:30am then be to the hospital by 10:30am with a surgery time of 12:30pm. Which means we will have to be in Peoria the night before and I'll be staying in a hotel when I am released from the hospital because the following day I have a 8:00am post-op appointment with my doctor. This all worries me! I don't like that I won't be close to home. Will I feel like being in the car for 3 1/2 hours the day after surgery? I don't do well in the car on a normal day. Oh well, it is the way it has to be. I know there are worse things that could be happening, a 3 hour drive isn't that bad.

I still don't have an answer on the ovarian wedge resection surgery. My insurance company requires pre-certification and the scheduler doesn't want to do that until after June 23rd. I get that she wants it to be within a month of the surgery, but I want to know the answer now! Okay, I am done with the temper tantrum!! I'll wait patiently, like a good girl! If it is approved then it is my understanding that I will stay in the hospital 1-2 days recovering (but if I only have the laparoscopy & hsg I will be released the same day) before I make the small journey home. And the recovery time will be longer with the ovarian wedge resection because it is an open surgery. I will be looking at 4-6 weeks vs 2 weeks time.

Side note: The laparoscopy is to confirm the doctors thoughts that I have endometriosis and the selective hsg will show if my fallopian tubes have a blockage. I did have a hsg done a few years ago which showed a blockage on the left side so I am curious about the outcome of this one.


Mood: Anxious but hopeful and feeling nauseous thinking about it all!